Learning to relate to difficult people is one of the most common and anguishing problems I’ve encountered in many years as a Christian psychotherapist.
Toxic relationships between two parties seem to endure as long as healthy ones, and sometimes longer, for they tend to be permanent. The difficult party holds more power than the other, who is forever trying to please or get the approval of the dominator.
The dominator remains inflexible in rejecting very imaginative attempts by the subjective party to achieve victory. But no success is ever possible. No matter what the words or actions of the pleaser, the unpleased remains unmoved and continues to insult and otherwise depersonalize the one in the position of being less powerful.
We all have seen these destructive arrangements between husbands and wives, siblings, close friends, and other social connections, including the workplace. Whether at work or at home, negative forces such as these tend to enslave.
The power holder maintains position throughout time, and the underling obeys the rules of the relationship as well. Even though the unspoken agreement between the parties is absurd, it is honored nonetheless.
Oddly, the subservience of the underdog fosters quite admirable achievements. Therefore, it is not usual for the pleaser to attain a higher social or professional rank than the one who will never be appeased.
I have seen this regrettable dynamic at play most often between mother and daughter, with competition between siblings running a close second.
One of the worst examples is the proverbial mother whose daughter is never permitted to please her. The mother communicates without words that it’s your job to make me happy, but nothing you ever do will work. Some of these daughters develop anorexia as a result of feeling as an absolute failure in their only mission in life.
Even though there seems to be no solution, there really is.
One of the parties must break a major rule governing the contract. In other words, somebody needs to start acting and reacting in ways that the other would never predict.
By far the most effective response is for one of the parties to refuse a cue and not respond at all. The initiator, never having faced such a surprise, has no way to come back. Further, the dominator is foiled in the insane game’s objective to wound the other. The pay-off is denied.
In the movie “War Games”, a hit many years ago, a computer in the War Room of the Department of Defense is put through an accelerated exercise to predict the outcome of various military strikes with the probable retaliatory action by the enemy and vice-versa.
The enlarged computer screen becomes a flashing light, a rapid strobe, as the computer rushes through every possible scenario. Then the display goes blank. After a pause, the words appear, “The only solution is not to play.”
So it is in painful human relationships that never budge but continue to inflict internal harm in both participants. The only solution is not to play.
Fr. Heyward B. Ewart, Ph.D., is president of St. James the Elder Theological Seminary, a distance-learning institution at http://stjamestheelderseminary.org. He is also author of “AM I BAD? Recovering from Abuse” (Loving Healing Press).
Monday, July 6, 2009
हाउ तो डील विथ इम्पोस्सीबले People
Learning to relate to difficult people is one of the most common and anguishing problems I’ve encountered in many years as a Christian psychotherapist.
Toxic relationships between two parties seem to endure as long as healthy ones, and sometimes longer, for they tend to be permanent. The difficult party holds more power than the other, who is forever trying to please or get the approval of the dominator.
The dominator remains inflexible in rejecting very imaginative attempts by the subjective party to achieve victory. But no success is ever possible. No matter what the words or actions of the pleaser, the unpleased remains unmoved and continues to insult and otherwise depersonalize the one in the position of being less powerful.
We all have seen these destructive arrangements between husbands and wives, siblings, close friends, and other social connections, including the workplace. Whether at work or at home, negative forces such as these tend to enslave.
The power holder maintains position throughout time, and the underling obeys the rules of the relationship as well. Even though the unspoken agreement between the parties is absurd, it is honored nonetheless.
Oddly, the subservience of the underdog fosters quite admirable achievements. Therefore, it is not usual for the pleaser to attain a higher social or professional rank than the one who will never be appeased.
I have seen this regrettable dynamic at play most often between mother and daughter, with competition between siblings running a close second.
One of the worst examples is the proverbial mother whose daughter is never permitted to please her. The mother communicates without words that it’s your job to make me happy, but nothing you ever do will work. Some of these daughters develop anorexia as a result of feeling as an absolute failure in their only mission in life.
Even though there seems to be no solution, there really is.
One of the parties must break a major rule governing the contract. In other words, somebody needs to start acting and reacting in ways that the other would never predict.
By far the most effective response is for one of the parties to refuse a cue and not respond at all. The initiator, never having faced such a surprise, has no way to come back. Further, the dominator is foiled in the insane game’s objective to wound the other. The pay-off is denied.
In the movie “War Games”, a hit many years ago, a computer in the War Room of the Department of Defense is put through an accelerated exercise to predict the outcome of various military strikes with the probable retaliatory action by the enemy and vice-versa.
The enlarged computer screen becomes a flashing light, a rapid strobe, as the computer rushes through every possible scenario. Then the display goes blank. After a pause, the words appear, “The only solution is not to play.”
So it is in painful human relationships that never budge but continue to inflict internal harm in both participants. The only solution is not to play.
Fr. Heyward B. Ewart, Ph.D., is president of St. James the Elder Theological Seminary, a distance-learning institution at http://stjamestheelderseminary.org. He is also author of “AM I BAD? Recovering from Abuse” (Loving Healing Press).
Toxic relationships between two parties seem to endure as long as healthy ones, and sometimes longer, for they tend to be permanent. The difficult party holds more power than the other, who is forever trying to please or get the approval of the dominator.
The dominator remains inflexible in rejecting very imaginative attempts by the subjective party to achieve victory. But no success is ever possible. No matter what the words or actions of the pleaser, the unpleased remains unmoved and continues to insult and otherwise depersonalize the one in the position of being less powerful.
We all have seen these destructive arrangements between husbands and wives, siblings, close friends, and other social connections, including the workplace. Whether at work or at home, negative forces such as these tend to enslave.
The power holder maintains position throughout time, and the underling obeys the rules of the relationship as well. Even though the unspoken agreement between the parties is absurd, it is honored nonetheless.
Oddly, the subservience of the underdog fosters quite admirable achievements. Therefore, it is not usual for the pleaser to attain a higher social or professional rank than the one who will never be appeased.
I have seen this regrettable dynamic at play most often between mother and daughter, with competition between siblings running a close second.
One of the worst examples is the proverbial mother whose daughter is never permitted to please her. The mother communicates without words that it’s your job to make me happy, but nothing you ever do will work. Some of these daughters develop anorexia as a result of feeling as an absolute failure in their only mission in life.
Even though there seems to be no solution, there really is.
One of the parties must break a major rule governing the contract. In other words, somebody needs to start acting and reacting in ways that the other would never predict.
By far the most effective response is for one of the parties to refuse a cue and not respond at all. The initiator, never having faced such a surprise, has no way to come back. Further, the dominator is foiled in the insane game’s objective to wound the other. The pay-off is denied.
In the movie “War Games”, a hit many years ago, a computer in the War Room of the Department of Defense is put through an accelerated exercise to predict the outcome of various military strikes with the probable retaliatory action by the enemy and vice-versa.
The enlarged computer screen becomes a flashing light, a rapid strobe, as the computer rushes through every possible scenario. Then the display goes blank. After a pause, the words appear, “The only solution is not to play.”
So it is in painful human relationships that never budge but continue to inflict internal harm in both participants. The only solution is not to play.
Fr. Heyward B. Ewart, Ph.D., is president of St. James the Elder Theological Seminary, a distance-learning institution at http://stjamestheelderseminary.org. He is also author of “AM I BAD? Recovering from Abuse” (Loving Healing Press).
Friday, June 26, 2009
Nonprofit Rip-Offs Escape Public Outrage
Pharmaceutical costs, gasoline prices, doctor's fees, insurance company antics, and other rip-offs are deservedly under fire most of the time by an outraged public. But why are nonprofits immune to criticism?
Nobody is screaming bloody murder over the cost of higher education even though colleges and universities are constantly growing in wealth as they charge steadily rising tuitions and at the same time lay off more and more employees.
It was announced recently that one of the nation's most prestigious universities is letting nearly 200 staffers go because one of their endowments has been reduced to $26 billion. Neither the president, nor the department heads, nor any of the faculty will be affected, and neither will the construction of new buildings.
Building will always continue because with nonprofits the money must be spent. The balance sheets at the end of the year cannot show a profit. There is a profit to be sure, ever larger each year, but it cannot be seen as a profit. It must appear as an investment in the institution itself.
The only difference between a for-profit and a nonprofit corporation is in where the profit goes. In the corporate world, it goes to the stock holders. In the nonprofit realm, it goes to the organization's important people, to beneficial projects of all kinds, and largely to new buildings.
Even though tuition keeps going up, and even though the excess income is difficult to hide, the quality of education does not change. The old principle that you get what you pay for does not fit well when it comes to higher education.
It is possible, however, to get an under-qualified student admitted to a high-ranking university by making a large but very proper contribution to the venerable monument of academia. Then you do get what you pay for. If you have enough money, your kid can go the college of his or her choice.
The same game goes on with nonprofit hospitals. A woman I know spent most of her adult life until retirement as an accountant for two major hospitals in the Philadelphia area. As the end of each fiscal year approached, she needed more than one glass of sherry to help her relax when she got home. Hiding the money seemed impossible but somehow she and her team did so successfully year after year.
As hospital costs keep rising, the care of poor people in the emergency rooms or clinics keeps getting worse. A hospital in Jacksonville Florida flatly turns away poor people consistently by using some barely legal excuse. Other hospitals simply make uninsured patients wait until they either go away or develop an actual emergency.
If your case becomes critically urgent, you are more likely to be seen by someone, but still there is no guarantee, especially if you don't have insurance. Poor people who die waiting are not likely to sue. The population that is likely to bring a lawsuit goes to the head of the line. Those darn lawyers!
Sometimes, even with the best insurance, your care will be delayed or simply not given. I took my mother to the ER one time when she was dehydrated plus exhibiting cardiac symptoms, and because the staff recognized her, she was taken into an examining room.
She laid in a bed in that room for a full 30 minutes, until I, in a fury, marched up to the nurses' station, where I found them sitting around chatting and chuckling. I was forced to demand that she be seen.
There was certainly no shortage of money at that hospital. They were in the midst of three construction projects, and I could hear the heavy equipment rumbling outside my mother's unattended room. The building contractors were very busy, but the nurses were chatting, and no doctor was seen anywhere I looked.
These kinds of abominations keep on increasing because nobody complains. The corporate world receives all the fire, but the nonprofits just keep getting fatter.
My own income is very small, so I have to try to get health care from a public clinic that is under the Florida Department of Health. My pharmacy had to call the clinic seven times before a refill on my blood pressure medicine could be obtained. Nobody answered the phone.
When I went to my last appointment for a checkup, scheduled three months in advance, I was turned away because they were awaiting their Medicare recertification. They were too busy relaxing to call me and reschedule, so they waited until I arrived.
I can't get much medical care in that place, but the building is stunning!
Fr. Heyward B. Ewart, III, Ph.D., is fighting the higher-education scam by running a new distance-learning seminary where full programs cost less than a single course elsewhere. Http://stjamestheelderseminary.org. At the seminary website, there are two podcasts where he broadcasts his favorite topics. He is also a crusader against child abuse and has authored the book AM I BAD? Recovering from Abuse (Loving Healing Press).
Nobody is screaming bloody murder over the cost of higher education even though colleges and universities are constantly growing in wealth as they charge steadily rising tuitions and at the same time lay off more and more employees.
It was announced recently that one of the nation's most prestigious universities is letting nearly 200 staffers go because one of their endowments has been reduced to $26 billion. Neither the president, nor the department heads, nor any of the faculty will be affected, and neither will the construction of new buildings.
Building will always continue because with nonprofits the money must be spent. The balance sheets at the end of the year cannot show a profit. There is a profit to be sure, ever larger each year, but it cannot be seen as a profit. It must appear as an investment in the institution itself.
The only difference between a for-profit and a nonprofit corporation is in where the profit goes. In the corporate world, it goes to the stock holders. In the nonprofit realm, it goes to the organization's important people, to beneficial projects of all kinds, and largely to new buildings.
Even though tuition keeps going up, and even though the excess income is difficult to hide, the quality of education does not change. The old principle that you get what you pay for does not fit well when it comes to higher education.
It is possible, however, to get an under-qualified student admitted to a high-ranking university by making a large but very proper contribution to the venerable monument of academia. Then you do get what you pay for. If you have enough money, your kid can go the college of his or her choice.
The same game goes on with nonprofit hospitals. A woman I know spent most of her adult life until retirement as an accountant for two major hospitals in the Philadelphia area. As the end of each fiscal year approached, she needed more than one glass of sherry to help her relax when she got home. Hiding the money seemed impossible but somehow she and her team did so successfully year after year.
As hospital costs keep rising, the care of poor people in the emergency rooms or clinics keeps getting worse. A hospital in Jacksonville Florida flatly turns away poor people consistently by using some barely legal excuse. Other hospitals simply make uninsured patients wait until they either go away or develop an actual emergency.
If your case becomes critically urgent, you are more likely to be seen by someone, but still there is no guarantee, especially if you don't have insurance. Poor people who die waiting are not likely to sue. The population that is likely to bring a lawsuit goes to the head of the line. Those darn lawyers!
Sometimes, even with the best insurance, your care will be delayed or simply not given. I took my mother to the ER one time when she was dehydrated plus exhibiting cardiac symptoms, and because the staff recognized her, she was taken into an examining room.
She laid in a bed in that room for a full 30 minutes, until I, in a fury, marched up to the nurses' station, where I found them sitting around chatting and chuckling. I was forced to demand that she be seen.
There was certainly no shortage of money at that hospital. They were in the midst of three construction projects, and I could hear the heavy equipment rumbling outside my mother's unattended room. The building contractors were very busy, but the nurses were chatting, and no doctor was seen anywhere I looked.
These kinds of abominations keep on increasing because nobody complains. The corporate world receives all the fire, but the nonprofits just keep getting fatter.
My own income is very small, so I have to try to get health care from a public clinic that is under the Florida Department of Health. My pharmacy had to call the clinic seven times before a refill on my blood pressure medicine could be obtained. Nobody answered the phone.
When I went to my last appointment for a checkup, scheduled three months in advance, I was turned away because they were awaiting their Medicare recertification. They were too busy relaxing to call me and reschedule, so they waited until I arrived.
I can't get much medical care in that place, but the building is stunning!
Fr. Heyward B. Ewart, III, Ph.D., is fighting the higher-education scam by running a new distance-learning seminary where full programs cost less than a single course elsewhere. Http://stjamestheelderseminary.org. At the seminary website, there are two podcasts where he broadcasts his favorite topics. He is also a crusader against child abuse and has authored the book AM I BAD? Recovering from Abuse (Loving Healing Press).
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Education Versus Competence
It has never made sense to me that a student or a parent should have to go into debt for the sake of a higher education.
Neither is it logical that sitting in a classroom should carry more weight than actual experience, with the knowledge thus gained by action. It happens, by the way, that a new seminary agrees with me.
Would you rather be subjected to a surgeon who has published widely acclaimed papers or one who has successfully performed life-saving procedures hundreds of times? Would you prefer to visit a clergyman who is an expert on theology or one who has a history of helping people heal and grow?
I once knew a young psychologist with very advanced alcoholism. After going through detoxification in a hospital, he objected to being referred to a counselor who had only a high-school education.
The patient reasoned that since he was a doctor of psychology, he could be understood and really helped only by someone at the doctoral level. But when he met Hank, he was told that he needed a friend more than anything.
Hank had been an alcohol counselor for many years, and because of his daily encounters with tough-minded alcoholics, he could read their needs with amazing effectiveness. He got the psychologist sober by having breakfast with him every Saturday morning, and the two became fast friends for twenty years.
When the psychologist reached middle age, he realized that he had learned nothing of real value by obtaining a Ph.D. He became widely known as a gifted healer. Some thought that he had a supernatural ability, and perhaps he did.
His competence, however, did not come from his classroom time; it came from long experience in trying to help people. The more he practiced, the better he got. At age 64 he published a book revealing what he had learned in the real world. It was a much greater contribution to his field than was his doctoral thesis.
Contrary to what I have just stated, knowledge is, of itself, a very valuable commodity. And degrees are of great value in advancing through one's career, whatever field it may be. But an education which is truly valuable in every way is one based on both knowledge and experience.
The problem is that experience has been traditionally undervalued in meeting educational requirements for an academic degree. Institutions of higher learning that give substantial academic credit for life experience have an impossible time trying to get accredited.
Then there is another problem: Accrediting agencies have monopolized the educational community in the United States. Never mind that these approval sources are only commercial businesses, whether they claim non-profit status or not. They are multi-billion-dollar industries that have the entire educational system by the throat.
Their emphasis is on physical facilities, faculty, classroom-based curricula, number of books in the library, and many other items that do not necessarily add up to an educational experience of lasting and practical value.
It is interesting that Harvard would not go along. Perhaps the most prestigious university in the country, its founders and successors saw no need for second-hand approval. They knew what they were doing and how well.
One time a little-known, non-traditional university with heavy emphasis on life experience asked Harvard if their graduates could apply for postgraduate study at Harvard. The official response was to the effect that they were more concerned with the extent of knowledge on the student's part than with how it was obtained.
That is the attitude that should be the real standard for education. As the cliché goes, “Experience is the best teacher.”
This blog is brought to you by St. James the Elder Theological Seminary at http://stjamestheelderseminary.org
Neither is it logical that sitting in a classroom should carry more weight than actual experience, with the knowledge thus gained by action. It happens, by the way, that a new seminary agrees with me.
Would you rather be subjected to a surgeon who has published widely acclaimed papers or one who has successfully performed life-saving procedures hundreds of times? Would you prefer to visit a clergyman who is an expert on theology or one who has a history of helping people heal and grow?
I once knew a young psychologist with very advanced alcoholism. After going through detoxification in a hospital, he objected to being referred to a counselor who had only a high-school education.
The patient reasoned that since he was a doctor of psychology, he could be understood and really helped only by someone at the doctoral level. But when he met Hank, he was told that he needed a friend more than anything.
Hank had been an alcohol counselor for many years, and because of his daily encounters with tough-minded alcoholics, he could read their needs with amazing effectiveness. He got the psychologist sober by having breakfast with him every Saturday morning, and the two became fast friends for twenty years.
When the psychologist reached middle age, he realized that he had learned nothing of real value by obtaining a Ph.D. He became widely known as a gifted healer. Some thought that he had a supernatural ability, and perhaps he did.
His competence, however, did not come from his classroom time; it came from long experience in trying to help people. The more he practiced, the better he got. At age 64 he published a book revealing what he had learned in the real world. It was a much greater contribution to his field than was his doctoral thesis.
Contrary to what I have just stated, knowledge is, of itself, a very valuable commodity. And degrees are of great value in advancing through one's career, whatever field it may be. But an education which is truly valuable in every way is one based on both knowledge and experience.
The problem is that experience has been traditionally undervalued in meeting educational requirements for an academic degree. Institutions of higher learning that give substantial academic credit for life experience have an impossible time trying to get accredited.
Then there is another problem: Accrediting agencies have monopolized the educational community in the United States. Never mind that these approval sources are only commercial businesses, whether they claim non-profit status or not. They are multi-billion-dollar industries that have the entire educational system by the throat.
Their emphasis is on physical facilities, faculty, classroom-based curricula, number of books in the library, and many other items that do not necessarily add up to an educational experience of lasting and practical value.
It is interesting that Harvard would not go along. Perhaps the most prestigious university in the country, its founders and successors saw no need for second-hand approval. They knew what they were doing and how well.
One time a little-known, non-traditional university with heavy emphasis on life experience asked Harvard if their graduates could apply for postgraduate study at Harvard. The official response was to the effect that they were more concerned with the extent of knowledge on the student's part than with how it was obtained.
That is the attitude that should be the real standard for education. As the cliché goes, “Experience is the best teacher.”
This blog is brought to you by St. James the Elder Theological Seminary at http://stjamestheelderseminary.org
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